Happy Christmas and all that jazz

Loneliness is a lot of things. Around the holidays it's typically amplified by the notion that you have to be around people and social and happy. I don't mind the social bit. Not one bit. It's the people that cozy up and get all mushy that make me want to vomit. But this isn't about relationships, it's about friendships. Since March of this past year I've lost a tonne of friends and acquaintances that all went home to their respective cities/countries/continents. The pool of people that rocked my world has dried up a little bit. They were the type of people to do things and have fun. That had plans every weekend and wanted to experience life: and they did.

Since June I have been working on re-integrating myself back into the life deemed 'normal' by people I know. It hasn't been easy. My family has been great but sometimes you want a solid group of people to have some drinks and go dancing with or even hit up the mountain. Some of my friends I had prior to last year have decided to exclude me from their escapades and do so without acknowledging it. Without even thinking about it. That, my friends, is loneliness. Ironically, they're the same friends that couldn't/wouldn't let me be emotional and honest with. It leaves me wondering.



Today was a good day though. Got myself out of bed, watched some tv and then tempted fate and went Christmas shopping downtown with a single gal ally. Thank goodness for allies that can visit lingerie stores and support the idea of purchasing something, merely for yourself. Or, perhaps, purple PUMA sneakers that really are fantastic. And while I should be buying my family gifts, this one was deserved.

MOH at your service

Wow, so as irony goes the older sister is destined to be an old maid while the younger is engaged and ready for marriage.
When I first heard that my sister was engaged I had a small panic attack. I didn't know what to say or do or feel. Ultimately I am happy. I am happy that she has found someone that she feels completes her. Flattered as well as I've been asked to fill the role of Maid of Honour. Essentially, that means keeping the crazy family in control, finding peace, negotiating and dealing with the small but frustrating details.



At the same time that she has become engaged I continue to meet people that have recently split with their significant other. A once close friend of mine just told me that her and her husband separated 5 months ago. I'm not shocked at the event but rather that she actually did it.

Today a friend asked me if I was happy. There are many times in the day that I am happy. I'm lucky to be healthy, strong, employed and many other things. Riding down the mountain with the boy 2 weekends ago made me smile so wide. I felt free, challenged, cared about. However I may have just imagined the whole damn thing. I'm headed up to the promised land again this weekend with some different friends. The weekend approaches and I simply cannot wait! Today, yes, I am happy. I averted a crisis, got work done and am ready for a wicked time on the slopes.
Tomorrow, is another day.

reminder

There's nothing like being reminded that you're single than having to get up at a friend's wedding with all the 'other' single people to try and catch the bouquet. You know? I almost forgot that feeling of being the ONLY single person. Yeah, I think I was. The other girls all had boyfriends. Irony? I caught the damn thing.
It was a gorgeous wedding, the weather turned out and it didn't pour rain like the forecast a week previous said it would. But when you get to drive home on your own at the end of the evening and tend to the cats in your 1 bedroom apartment. You're reminded of your status.

At least, no, AT LEAST, I wasn't the girl wearing the plastic stripper shoes with flashing lights. There was class from this single gal. That's all I can say to that.

And I remind myself:

I'm having trouble sleeping

Seriously - 2:00am rolls around and I'm awake. This is rather frustrating. It takes about an hour to fall back asleep and then I'm fucked. Even people at work noticed that I looked like shit today. Blah!

Luckily I was able to leave work a bit early and regroup at home. I'm quite sure it's a bit of a bout of depression that's killing me here. I even skipped my fitness class this evening. Seriously! What's wrong with me? This weekend turned out to be pretty amazing with brunch with friends, Metric concert and another brunch on Sunday.

I had a nice coffee date with a guy on Sunday eve - 3 hours of chatting will leave you exhausted. I'm not hoping for much. I feel like I keep meeting guys that are behind on their career and life development. I'm 28 (and 1 week) years old, have a job, apartment, car and have traveled a decent amount. I guess it's true that some guys mature later in life.

I need to get my ass in gear and just do my work. Motivation has been lacking and that's not helping with my perspective on everything.
In addition to this, damn girl - get cooking! I need to focus on using my kitchen again. It has been faaaaar too long.

Here's some inspiration:

If you can't cry with your friends, who can you cry with

It's been a rough two weeks. I won't lie. I'm questioning my loyalty, sanity and path.
I thought the other day that things have changed and I don't fit in, then a friend said, "Or have you changed and just don't fit in with the normal people."
Two points: (1) That I have changed. (2) That I'm not one of those 'normal' people.

What does that mean though, 'normal.' To be honest, I want the stability that comes with my life but I'm feeling the itch and wanting another adventure, excitement.
But for the time being, I'm making the most of it. I have 2 weddings this summer and am determined to be confident and awesome and as social as possible. This past Saturday I even went to an event and saw some old faces. Though I don't think they recognized me right away. I have to admit, the compliments were awesome. I think people are surprised to hear that I've taken up running as a hobby. But I have to agree with them. Being overweight and drastically changing your appearance is pretty crazy.

So, goals:
Realize your potential
Live every day to its fullest
Read more (already in progress with the cancellation of cable)
Dress as cute as I feel

Case in point re. dressing awesome:






The above ladies are curvy, confident and amazing. And yes, I know there are more Christina Hendricks photos. But gawd-damn she's hawt!

Back from a strange country

If you can handle squat toilets on a moving train, you can tackle anything life throws at you.
That's my new motto.

I'm back in Vancouver and looking to conquer it. I've decided to keep myself busy and social and try and say yes to every opportunity to experience the city and all its amazingness (not a real word I realize, but I'll keep it.)

Past:




Future:



Let's rock this summer. We deserve it.

I am amazing, go ahead, say it to yourself.

Nope, not drunk this time.
But it's positive affirmations time.
A gentleman once said to me:
"Darling, you need to realize that you are worth any work that a man has to do to be with you. If they want to be with you, it costs and they have to be prepared to pay. And if they're not then it's their loss not yours."

Every now and then I have to read that. Remind myself that I deserve everything I've worked for. That I will find someone that deserves me. For me.

But now, I am packing my bags and getting ready for an incredible trip to Thailand.

Good bye bad habit! Hello freedom.

Too many words

On the Skytrain ride home after several drinks with friends I ponder this: did I say too much? Seriously.
Lie: I'm perfectly happy going home alone.
Truth: A warm body would have been nice.

Lie: I'm 100% content seeing everyone go home with or home to their partners.
Truth: I'm fucking tired of it.

Truth: I'm scared of leaving town. I want to stay home and remain safe.
Lie: I want to stay home.

The truth of the matter is that the liquid courage in me right now probably scared someone off of turned them off. Ironically, if he had said the same to me I would already be there. The novelty of the 'games' has certainly worn off. Perhaps it is a sign of the return to normalcy. Whatever that means. All I know is that I'm sitting on the Sktytrain at Nanaimo Station and the buzz is wearing off. The next 2 days are going to be rough. My manager joked that he's never seen me cry. I thin I'll make up for that tomorrow and on Friday. Big ball O tears coming right at you.

One friend already declined to meet up for one last drink. Too emotional a task. I can't really blame her. I'm hoping tomorrow and Friday are quick and painless. And I just hope there's a couch for me to sleep on. Somewhere.

Off into the unknown

Escape, run away, put head in sand, avoid reality.

Really, that's what this trip is for me. Someone put it in my head to travel to Thailand so off I go for a month. I'm terrified of what awaits or doesn't await me when I come back.

The life I threw myself into these past 6 months has made me want more and less of it. It takes a strong person to pick up their life and move. Yes, family is just a phone call away, but it's not quite the same. You risk burning yourself out living a lifestyle of "going big or going home." I struggled to find my place in it all. My involvement was temporary, somewhat privileged and unique. I have a job to go back to. My family is 30 minutes or less away. My home is here. The people that come into your life in through these events rarely stay behind. They've definitely left a mark, some more than others.

Ultimately:

new direction: description through tumblr

I've become addicted to tumblr and those damn photos with bits of words that seem to say everything that I'm feeling.

Let's start with #1:

I saw this one on April 3rd and it pretty much sums up how the end of the Games feels for me. All these amazing, inspiring people came to Vancouver and the ones I'll miss the most are all leaving. Please, come back soon.

Like sands through the hourglass...

It's March 22nd and I'm not sure where November went. The last six months of my life have been the most incredible and challenging.
I took a short term position in a role that I would have never dreamed of. I met world class athletes with amazing talent and passion for their sport. And I met people from around the world that were more family than friends. In two weeks load-out finishes, we turn over the key and say good bye. And what have I learned through this whole time?
People are vulnerable. I am vulnerable. At about the 12 or 14 day mark of shifts every day I broke down and wanted out. Was it worth the sacrifice? The heart break? The caloric intake through alcohol? That's something I'm not sure of yet.

Things I'm proud of:
Developing my management skills
Learning how to snowboard (something I was actually terrified to try before this year)
Challenging my introverted nature and meeting new people
Standing up to my employer and telling them of their faults

The not so proud:
Falling into the same rut and habits
Not standing up for myself earlier
Not writing about my experiences while they happened
Not getting enough sleep or saving enough money

Lists get out of control and I tend to dwell on the negative. A habit many women fall into claiming they don't want to be too confident or arrogant.

April 16th is my last day. It's seems like eons away but so did February 12th back in October when I started. Once this is all over I wonder how returning to 'normal' life will be. Am I ready for it? Am I ready for everyone who has become so important in my life to leave me here? Is the gypsy life for me? Doubtful, but London has been calling me. It's been 5 years since my last visit. A working holiday wouldn't be too bad. But would I be chasing my dream or someone else? Maybe I need to forge my own path again. And rediscover my own passions. I fear some of me has been lost these past few months in my attempt to meet others.

What I know right now is that I'm sitting in a pretty swank apartment unit on False Creek with Science World, GM Placen, BC Place and the mountains in my view. I just got here after an night of realization and I'm updating this old blog after a few months break. Let's see if I can keep the writing up. If even for just a little while.

Dobra noc mes amis.

Already 2010, wow

I'm trying to think back to when I was younger and where I thought I'd be in 2010. In all honesty, I don't think I even thought that far ahead. Even to this day I try not to dream too big with respect to relationships. My goals have always been about me and my own hard work.

My current goals are:

~survive the next 2.5 months and the excitement that comes with it in Vancouver during this time

~continue to run and enjoy it; make time for this important new component of my life

~get a fucking answer on things

~run a half-marathon in June and hopefully a full marathon within the next year

~travel somewhere far away and meet amazing people, again (I'm thinking Australia and New Zealand)

~save more, spend less

~lose 20 more pounds

Not a lot has happened in single gal's life since the last post. [Self-editing for my own sanity.]

So, considering I graduated from high school 10 years ago this June, I am starting to ask myself where I see myself in another 10 years. Ideally, I'd like to have 1 or 2 children and a partner that can match me and challenge me. The ultimate question, however, is where do I find a partner like that. My current methods have netted me only cowards and temporary distraction. Amazing distraction, but probably not permanent.