I am amazing, go ahead, say it to yourself.

Nope, not drunk this time.
But it's positive affirmations time.
A gentleman once said to me:
"Darling, you need to realize that you are worth any work that a man has to do to be with you. If they want to be with you, it costs and they have to be prepared to pay. And if they're not then it's their loss not yours."

Every now and then I have to read that. Remind myself that I deserve everything I've worked for. That I will find someone that deserves me. For me.

But now, I am packing my bags and getting ready for an incredible trip to Thailand.

Good bye bad habit! Hello freedom.

Too many words

On the Skytrain ride home after several drinks with friends I ponder this: did I say too much? Seriously.
Lie: I'm perfectly happy going home alone.
Truth: A warm body would have been nice.

Lie: I'm 100% content seeing everyone go home with or home to their partners.
Truth: I'm fucking tired of it.

Truth: I'm scared of leaving town. I want to stay home and remain safe.
Lie: I want to stay home.

The truth of the matter is that the liquid courage in me right now probably scared someone off of turned them off. Ironically, if he had said the same to me I would already be there. The novelty of the 'games' has certainly worn off. Perhaps it is a sign of the return to normalcy. Whatever that means. All I know is that I'm sitting on the Sktytrain at Nanaimo Station and the buzz is wearing off. The next 2 days are going to be rough. My manager joked that he's never seen me cry. I thin I'll make up for that tomorrow and on Friday. Big ball O tears coming right at you.

One friend already declined to meet up for one last drink. Too emotional a task. I can't really blame her. I'm hoping tomorrow and Friday are quick and painless. And I just hope there's a couch for me to sleep on. Somewhere.

Off into the unknown

Escape, run away, put head in sand, avoid reality.

Really, that's what this trip is for me. Someone put it in my head to travel to Thailand so off I go for a month. I'm terrified of what awaits or doesn't await me when I come back.

The life I threw myself into these past 6 months has made me want more and less of it. It takes a strong person to pick up their life and move. Yes, family is just a phone call away, but it's not quite the same. You risk burning yourself out living a lifestyle of "going big or going home." I struggled to find my place in it all. My involvement was temporary, somewhat privileged and unique. I have a job to go back to. My family is 30 minutes or less away. My home is here. The people that come into your life in through these events rarely stay behind. They've definitely left a mark, some more than others.

Ultimately:

new direction: description through tumblr

I've become addicted to tumblr and those damn photos with bits of words that seem to say everything that I'm feeling.

Let's start with #1:

I saw this one on April 3rd and it pretty much sums up how the end of the Games feels for me. All these amazing, inspiring people came to Vancouver and the ones I'll miss the most are all leaving. Please, come back soon.

Like sands through the hourglass...

It's March 22nd and I'm not sure where November went. The last six months of my life have been the most incredible and challenging.
I took a short term position in a role that I would have never dreamed of. I met world class athletes with amazing talent and passion for their sport. And I met people from around the world that were more family than friends. In two weeks load-out finishes, we turn over the key and say good bye. And what have I learned through this whole time?
People are vulnerable. I am vulnerable. At about the 12 or 14 day mark of shifts every day I broke down and wanted out. Was it worth the sacrifice? The heart break? The caloric intake through alcohol? That's something I'm not sure of yet.

Things I'm proud of:
Developing my management skills
Learning how to snowboard (something I was actually terrified to try before this year)
Challenging my introverted nature and meeting new people
Standing up to my employer and telling them of their faults

The not so proud:
Falling into the same rut and habits
Not standing up for myself earlier
Not writing about my experiences while they happened
Not getting enough sleep or saving enough money

Lists get out of control and I tend to dwell on the negative. A habit many women fall into claiming they don't want to be too confident or arrogant.

April 16th is my last day. It's seems like eons away but so did February 12th back in October when I started. Once this is all over I wonder how returning to 'normal' life will be. Am I ready for it? Am I ready for everyone who has become so important in my life to leave me here? Is the gypsy life for me? Doubtful, but London has been calling me. It's been 5 years since my last visit. A working holiday wouldn't be too bad. But would I be chasing my dream or someone else? Maybe I need to forge my own path again. And rediscover my own passions. I fear some of me has been lost these past few months in my attempt to meet others.

What I know right now is that I'm sitting in a pretty swank apartment unit on False Creek with Science World, GM Placen, BC Place and the mountains in my view. I just got here after an night of realization and I'm updating this old blog after a few months break. Let's see if I can keep the writing up. If even for just a little while.

Dobra noc mes amis.

Already 2010, wow

I'm trying to think back to when I was younger and where I thought I'd be in 2010. In all honesty, I don't think I even thought that far ahead. Even to this day I try not to dream too big with respect to relationships. My goals have always been about me and my own hard work.

My current goals are:

~survive the next 2.5 months and the excitement that comes with it in Vancouver during this time

~continue to run and enjoy it; make time for this important new component of my life

~get a fucking answer on things

~run a half-marathon in June and hopefully a full marathon within the next year

~travel somewhere far away and meet amazing people, again (I'm thinking Australia and New Zealand)

~save more, spend less

~lose 20 more pounds

Not a lot has happened in single gal's life since the last post. [Self-editing for my own sanity.]

So, considering I graduated from high school 10 years ago this June, I am starting to ask myself where I see myself in another 10 years. Ideally, I'd like to have 1 or 2 children and a partner that can match me and challenge me. The ultimate question, however, is where do I find a partner like that. My current methods have netted me only cowards and temporary distraction. Amazing distraction, but probably not permanent.

You got me wandering why...

I like it rough.

And I'm a hard girl - loving me is like chewing on pearls.

I have no idea if it's just the alcohol and if it was him or I that made the move, but once again I found myself being pushed to my limits. Nibbles, scratches, bites, marks, squeals, pleasure.

Cold steel

I watched the first four episodes of Dexter, Season 1. The thought of a cold, steel medical table makes me a little weak in the knees.

All I can think of is the guy I went out with a couple of times in September. The way he smoothly talks. Purposefully walks. Makes me want more.

At the same time, je is confused about other people. Such is life.

Three work-related Christmas parties in the next week and a half. This new job has involved more alcohol after hours than any other job I've had. The social atmosphere is pretty crazy but I'm enjoying it for the most part. I just wish I lived closer to the downtown. Living in 'butt-fuck Egypt' has it's ups and downs. The downs is running for a train by 1:00am.

Anyways, I can't believe it's already December 15th. Ten fucking days 'til Christmas. This month has flown by. I was better prepared last year.

Oh - and random boy from my past is messaging me. Seriously - when will he get it that I don't date stoners. Gross.

Wow - what a weekend

Wow. Seriously wicked. I can't party like that again. My liver will kill me.

Three and a half hours sleep on Friday night, drive to the mountains, check in, have an awesome time during the day, then drink my face off. If I had to do it over again, I'd drink more water.

Departing at 6am on Saturday morning was amazing. Seeing the sun come up and hit the snow on the mountains was absolutely amazing. I couldn't believe it. As I'm not a snowboarder or skier (yet) I relaxed, read and wandered the village then met up with some friends.

Way too many drinks lead to a crazy night in the hotel room with my travel partner. This pretty much sums up my feelings:. I'm still not sure if it was just the liquor that had him underneath me or perhaps existing feelings:

need an upgrade

I'm always away from my personal computer when the urge to write, rant and rave comes.

A list of my recent thoughts:

~I am amazing. Yes, that's right. There are certain times when I feel amazing on the inside and the outside. My running race this past Sunday made me feel like a million and a half bucks.

~Fuck. Up again. I have been a carb-eating machine this past month. Anything doughy, bready and tasty, I want to eat. Slowly, I'm going to ease more fruits and vegetables into my diet. Being away from my usual job has been brutal. I love having a new challenge and working with new people and such, but sometimes, I miss my other co-workers.

~And other times, I'm a fucking rockstar.

More later - I got distracted.

not so bright?

So, it's probably not a good idea to crush on someone that's only going to be here for 6-8 months, is it?

Fuck it. Let's take a chance.

feel good moment

It's kinda nice getting compliments. When you actually wear clothes that fit you, you realize how good you can look.

But getting an email about it, is pretty crazy.

Even crazier? Eating WAY too much pizza today and feeling sick. Back on the wagon tomorrow.

More fun: James Bond Martini Party on Saturday night and wearing something saucy.

Those are my random thoughts for the evening. I'm looking forward to the weekend and enjoying my new purchase.

This past year has been incredibly amazing. I don't want it to stop. Hard work, determination, driven. Shit - does this mean I'm an adult now? *GULP*

nice ass!

Want to really know why I enjoy going to the gym?

The people there knew and saw me before my 45 lbs loss. Compliments keep me going sometimes, especially when I've had a bad day.

I have to admit, I looked pretty good in my workout gear.

Ideally, I would like to lose 20 more pounds. In a perfect world, that would happen by Christmas. As a stretch, February 2010.

Want to know the worst part about being 'let go' (mentioned in my previous post) is being worried that you've lost someone that you connected with. Who knows what lies in the future. Hopefully there will still be good conversations.

OMFGG

Seriously. Apparently I taste like vanilla.

I'm not gonna lie, I blushed.

the side-street walk

Predictable? Sometimes.

Endearing? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Please, hold me, thrill me, kiss me. Again.

Tips to the male datee

Not the worst date ever, but pretty damn dull. Which sucks because he's a really nice guy.

But really, do  you need to bring out the Nintendo and XBox on the first date?

Dinner was alright, though he couldn't actually say anything important, nor could he make a point about anything. At one point when we were walking around I said, "Spit it out!"

Checking your iPhone while at the table is a major insult, I don't care how busy you are with work. If you decide to go out with someone, that's your time with THEM. Or go to the washroom and do it.

Argh, another bites the dust. I might be a friend with him and chat, but that's it.

Tips:

Don't check phone

In fact, turn phone to silent

Ask her questions about her life

Compliment, seriously, is it that difficult?

DO NOT PLAY VIDEO GAMES UNLESS THE GIRL ASKS

Back to the drawing board.

holy crap - over a month!

Okay - holy crap it's been a while.

I guess you could say that this summer has been/was a busy one. I've taken up the evil hobby of running, yes, RUNNING! I couldn't believe it myself. The other night I ran over 6km! I'm doing a program similar to the Running Room (yes, that evil, elitist expensive club/store/organization) but I'm at 10 minute runs with 1 minute walks and I completed 5 reps or cycles the other day. I was pretty damn proud of myself considering that in the first week of July I was running 1 minute and walking 2 minutes.

So boo-yeah for me!

This summer was not the Slutty Summer like I've had in previous years but I had a lot of fun. Heck, I even went to a bathhouse! It was a fully or mostly clothed evening that was an after-party for the Queer Film Festival but it was definitely interesting to be in a typically male-dominated space.

I did re-connect with an old fling. So I guess I popped my new apartment's cherry so to speak.

I haven't thought a lot about my single status. Most of my time has been spend with good friends. The only times I really get down about it is the odd day when everyone that I'm with has a partner, like at a BBQ about a month ago. Everyone (3 or 4 couples) were all being cute and I was sitting by myself. Of course, I'm cute enough as it is, but I'd like to have that significant other again.

Speaking of which, I have to laugh, I think my ex-bf is going to end up marrying his current gf and I really, no, REALLY have to laugh. So, don't judge me for dating him, but the guy can't even balance a cheque book. He thinks the world owes him and he drinks his paycheque away and spends the rest on porn, magazines and (you guessed it) comic books. Fuuuck. Alas, I'm looking to BUY my own apartment on my own and he'll be renting and living paycheque to paycheque so revenge is best served by bettering yourself.

In other news, well, there isn't much. Work is hectic as always and prospect number in the zeros. So I write, alone, on a Thursday. Here's to hoping that Friday brings better luck - there is a wedding this Saturday so keep your fingers crossed.

hold me in and make me feel like a woman

I love corsets. I remember buy my first corset. It wasn't a 'real one' (with boning and the ability to be tied up really well, but it was close enough. I loved how it looked, how I felt in it and I wanted more.

The second corset I purchased was from New World Designs in Gastown (Vancouver.) The store clerk was fantastic and found me a lovely find then laced me in really tight. I love the feeling of being in a corset. It's like someone is always hugging you. The smallest part of your waste is emphasized when you're tied up and almost everyone looks hot in one.

I went to a fundraiser last night and got to try on an 'under the bust' corset. I had never tried one on but the designer was there and got straight to business when I picked one up. The most fabulous thing about this particular designer is that they make items for women with curves, plus-sized women AND they do custom work (something New World Designs said they did not do.) Felix and Kitty are the makes of the fine products and I highly recommend checking out their sight. I'm not so much into the period pieces but the quality was there which was a rarity.

Help my good friend Shay!

One of my favourite bloggers, the fabulous, knowledgeable, sexy, sassy Shay is conducting a Porn Experiment. If you've stopped at my blog I would really appreciate if you could help her out.

Click HERE and fill out the form - then read her blog. The Friday films are awesome, seriously.

And don't worry, I'm alive, just really busy and I'm going away for the weekend to chill out and see a good friend. Friday....here I come!

hotness, solo style

I've been really busy with work and such, as well as the Army and Navy shoe sale (5 new pairs!)

The best thing that I heard yesterday though, was my nextdoor neighbour reaching the big 'O'. That's right, through concrete walls I got to hear: "Oh, yeah, I'm cumming right now. Ooohhhh." It sounded like a good one.

I think I'll have a hot bath tonight and have a little 'revenge'.

Some mini-pearl and big blue action is definitely needed, especially after being off sick. The Oyster is perfect wanking material: kinky 19th century men and women.